Scare in the heart

With time passes by, my love is fading. But it still exists, I know somewhere deep in the heart. When we hang out at weekend, I still miss you, still looking for you somewhere in the crowd. When driving home in the middle of the night, I still wish it's you who are controlling the wheel. I could be sitting next to you, leaning on your shoulder. When arriving home at 2am in Sunday morning, I would still wish you could be hugging me to sleep. Can't sleep this morning, though it's 2am+ I miss you. Wish I can pick up the phone and tell you how much I miss you, how much I loved you. I know there are too many regrets in one's life, some people are just not meant to be mine. Wish you the best. I'm positive that shining me would be one of your regrets.

Day 7

一个人的时候，心理还是隐隐会疼。听别人提起你的时候，已经能掩藏的很好。我想我已经差不多恢复了吧。没有别的伤心，只是看你走的那么坚决，头也不回。多一句关心都是敷衍。你最好就和她相亲相爱，白头到老。不然你一定会后悔没有选我，这样爱你的人。从上周开始，我就决定，好好工作，好好减肥。我要做一个事业有成的小美女。一个月后让大家看到一个完全不一样的我。最短时间内，让你后悔。我可以的！

Day 3, wrote in Day 4

Day 3 still in blue. Since I heard she came back just for him, I feel she deserves him more than I do. Feel a little better. But still miss him a lot. Waking up, wish he could be hugging me, kissing me. So sad, I'm by myself again.
Went to work with QQ on, he was on line. Desperately want to hear his voice, I called him. He sounds a little out of mood. Maybe too much things at the same time, makes him week. I tried to cheer him up: "Everything would be fine". He said:"you sound good". Yes, I'm trying. Don't want to make you feel worried. And I wish I could tell you: Baby, I miss you so much.
Too many depression these day, I need something new to refresh myself. Like iphone 4s or ipad. Kent is sweet enough to offer me a 4s, and he insists 4s not 4, to be honest, I would be happy with 4, since he wants to pre-order for me, i took the offer. Unfortunately, due to the term, I'm not eligible to upgrade till April next year... Sooooooo disappointed. It makes me thinks of him again.难道我这辈子注定得不到他(它)? Whatever, I made my mind to get something new, then I choose ipad. Sweet Kent, give me another full support... $300 in cash and went to apple store with me late night.... I knew I would pay him back in some way or other. With my first apple device in hand, I feel much comfortable. 总是觉得和apple无缘,3年前去香港买macbook就是最好的证明,千里迢迢过去,竟然说断货.不过还好,SONY也挺好用,也是白白的.
记忆和回忆是最美的,也是最痛苦的.早上起来又想到他,上周这个时候,我们还是很快乐的在一起决定要不要去爬山.总是在想傻傻的问题,如果我们真的在一起,肯定幼稚的不行.不过,谁不期望这份单纯而简单的快乐呢?我们都知道,一切不可能了,和他之间总是错位了一点.V回来之前,想他继续暧昧,而我言辞拒绝.如今,真的回来了,他已无暇顾及我,而我却希望留住一切.我们总是一个清醒,一个糊涂.不过也幸好,没有同步.否则,这个错误如何弥补?可是,为何,我们的感情就是错误???费解!
唉,注定我要专心于事业?Jean昨天说要带我去GSO展会.这次就只有她和M去,带上我,压力好大,通常这种时候做得好是应该的,做得不好就记个过.不过,这么好的机会,怎能放过,我也竭力争取.Jean以前就一直说想培养我成为一个能跟随她左右的助手，这次应该是我表现的好机会。另外，就当出去散散心也好,不想在这里触景伤情了.去展会还能多学点东西.看看公司越做越好,也会让我更加投入.我又想到了那句话，男人都是靠不住的，靠自己吧。

Day 2

It hurts when I'm conscious. First thing wake up in the morning, I wish it's his call wakes me up instead of the alarm. But it is what it is. Things need to be done. Life has to move on. I wish he could come to visit, but no show. First thing I opened computer in the office is turn on the web QQ, wish he could talk to me, which he did. But from what he said, I know they went back together. Good friend is only the cover of the lie. I know. But still feel heart ache. After that, he called me several time, but I refuse to accept any news except he broke up with her. So sad... But love the weather today. Raining like Jiang nan. I know everything would be better after some days. It only hurts when I'm still living in the past, I know I should move on. Only good thing from this failure is I would work out after work. Half an hour excise would do. I would make to 105g in one month, I believe. And no meet till then.

Day 1

思念泛滥...快受不了,满脑子全是I.从早上他出我家门,他会在做什么,什么时候去接V,接到了他们会说什么,做什么.我真的控制不了我自己不去想他.人就是这么犯贱,没人跟你抢的时候就不正眼看,一旦人家也要,自己也特别喜欢.还好,没有影响我的工作,就是这几天事情太少了,闲下来就不停想他.一到下班时间就潜意识等他电话,回到家躺在床上还是回味他的味道.这是爱情还是习惯?15天就能有如此改变,我也真不知说何是好.今晚,他就要回到名正言顺的女朋友那里,不想想他们会做什么事.只是觉得自己心会很疼.希望是无法愈合的疼,这样就不会有回头的余地.明天会好一点的,他的影子会慢慢淡一点的.

只是未到伤心处

最近不知道怎么了,不在状态,工作上生活上都是.昨天很想,也认为自己会哭,可是怎么样也挤不出一滴眼泪.不知道对I的算不算爱,我想应该比普通朋友多一点,但是,没到爱的程度吧.否则我也不会一点感觉都没有的放手.知道他的不成熟,知道他不是我想要的,知道他和别人的关系,根本没想过更多的,只是一不小心的错误,让我们都有些措手不及. 时间会慢慢冲淡一切的,爱与恨都一样!

Almost became my first time

Don't really know what I have done the night before, but something is definitely out of control. For two people like us, simple-minded, stupid and young. Never dream of this before, never think our relationship would be complicated like this. Don't know how to face him, as close friend, little brother, boy friend or non of those? We don't belong with each other before, non after, but that night. Don't think he the type I would love, but I would do many things for him, too many that out of my expectation. Maybe I'm too lonely for too long period, doing silly things are acceptable. Once is fine, at least I learnt what's "Next choice"!

loving you not only for lonelyness

Yesterday in Mandy's birthday party, everyone of us made a wish. The very first thing comes into my mind is Jimmy, how weird... The person I have only seen 3 times, (in tea station Azusa, tea station four season plaza, vivian's party) Is this called loving at the second sight? After that, I was trying to know him, found he is a diligent and responsible person. Ever since then, I was trying to contact him (QQ, FB, text). But never see him again.... puuuf... Really want to know him more, I'm sure he is a nice person to count on. Please give me this time... For real and for sure...

review

今天有被review,好晕.离我想象中的工资标准查太多了,不过这也是由于一开始的起薪决定的.由于,一开始定的比较低,导致,加了12%后,还是不怎么高.小小郁闷一下.最近由于车的问题,已经很困扰了,没太多把注意力放在钱上.而且,最近发现,人生失去了目标.整天打工过日子,少了一点锐气.没有远大目标的缘故吧.异国他乡,真的很容易迷失,在生活上,在事业上都想找回那个原来强大的我.不知道是不是老了,有点缺乏自信.其实这个问题从我来美国就出现了,随着地域的改变,时间的变迁,我慢慢接受了而已.把自己关起来,很humble,我要快快找回自己,那个傲气,自信的我.瑾是个不错的女人,看问题也很清楚.她的成功有先天的资本,后天的努力和必要的运气.设她为榜样!虽然我的起步年龄有些晚,先天条件没她好,可是我相信只要努力了,我一定可以的.对得起自己很重要.既然出国已经是个错误,那就错到底吧.上天给了我这个机会,让我能有发展的空间,一定要把握.只有完善自己,才能找到更配我的人.不要为不必要的人分心.前途漫漫,坚持自我!

a little blue

今天听到他有女朋友的消息好失落啊,虽然本来就不是我的东西,可是"无主"和"taken"差好多的.前者至少是,i'm still active,后者是, i'm out.不知道要不要飞这个劲去争取,因为实在太怕受伤.现在我就疼,更别说将来在一起后分开了.太善良,动不了真感情. 都还不搞清楚,is this my taste,就在那边伤感,小疯子一个!

try something different

来到LA碰到一群很会玩得新人(和我一样,刚到LA).大家都是年轻人，很快熟悉。都已经有一对确立关系了，我室友说：到底是年轻人，效率高。里面也有我看的比较顺眼的，其中那个最顺眼的，大势已去，落入别人囊中。接下来，就是这个很奇怪的，弟弟。左看右看，都像是80末的，不过其实和我同年。大概是从没考虑过这种类型的，我都觉得自己有点喜欢他的。在一起玩的时候很开心。大家一起出去玩，没见他会失望。星期天，大老远的跑过去看看他。我知道，一切希望都不大。偶尔换口味的菜是不能当正餐的。人生还是要面对很多实际的问题。人家都说我想的比较远，比较多。其实不希望以后太累，只能现在累。不过，说真的，如果可以，我还是希望自己傻傻的爱一次。

If

If I was still in China, will we be together? Or get married, with one baby, maybe. I will be worried every time your flight took away. And expect you come home every night you were working in other cities.
If I'm so lucky to get you now, I would be one of the happiest person in the world. Smile to you every day, dream of you every night. Like to be with you every single minute...
If I can realize one dream everyday, today, the thing I want to do is, go back home, hug my mum.

someone meet accidently

昨天有参加一个Rancho和ontario的聚会.没想到会在美国遇到这种质量的男人.大概因为看Phd多了吧,不是长得奇形怪状,就是傻头傻脑,稍微过得去点的都有交往很稳定的女朋友.昨天的,在中国估计有80分,在美国这个地方,90不在话下.很心动,很难过.太好的,得不到的东西,是一种折磨.凌晨回来睡觉有做梦,还有另外一个昨天一起玩的女孩也在其中,是我想象力太丰富了吧哈哈^^那么优秀的男人,看看吧,不要做梦^^

小小开心

昨天是颇有收获的一天，先带我的小车车去体检。在去的路上不停熄火，把握给吓的。勉勉强强支撑到dealer,在一个客服cesear初步检验后，被告知this looks pretty bad.具体结果要等mechanic详细检查才知道，不过我已经被吓的不清。当中，cesear还预备敲诈我216的检查费，还好那次预约时有问，只要113，他立刻更正。PRETTY BAD IMPRESSION。就像送一个人去医院检查，护士说，情况很严重，具体化验报告要等医生用仪器检查才能知道。告诉我是，1点以后会有消息。漫长的10-13等待会把我急坏的，与其浪费时间吓自己，不如搬家。算算时间应该差不多，如果chitti没有其他安排，来接我的路上不出状况的话。于是，我们实施了搬家计划。不错啊，都很顺利。吃过午饭，终于等到cesear电话，七七八八他说了一堆，总的意思是没什么要还，只是需要decode,再重新按code，390块。早前在网上有查到可能是这个情况，不过谁叫其他mecheani没有相关设备能修，只有vw独此一家。算了，修修好么好了。于是，我也是没有谱的还了一个价，250。40%off,或者应该和开始一样，说对折。算了，加上之前110，总共是360，大半个ipad,不过还好不是上千的。算了，只要车车好，360也ok啦。4点钟，一切搞定，回家休息。

清明时节雨纷纷

清明时节雨纷纷，路上行人欲断魂。借问酒家何处有，牧童遥指杏花村。还记得孩童时学的诗歌，可是教我这首诗的人已经不在了。永远不知道那是最后一面，不然我会偷偷多看几眼。早知道没有以后，当初就对他好点，不过那时我也已经尽自己当时最大的能力了。买好吃的给他……一直希望自己能买大点的房子让爷爷和爸妈住一起，可惜这个愿望现在也没办法实现。人总是痛了才学到东西，而且是深刻的。前车之鉴。树欲静而风不止，子欲养而亲不待。希望这样的悲剧不要发生了，只希望能把妈妈接过来好好孝顺她。

100纪念

好巧哦,刚刚第100篇,顺顺利利! 结束了几天的实习,总算是个圆满的结局!如果一切都像是表面显示的真实,那我真的很幸运.老天总算看到我之前吃得苦,给了我这个好机会,展示一下. 先说jin好了,一直感觉很有缘份,从第一个电话到星期一见面,我觉得印象分能达到90+.她很器重我,虽然说对我期望不高,可是我知道,那是她想宽慰我,而我呢,越是这样,我越不想让人家失望.所有对我好的人,看重我的人,我都不想让他们失望.所以,日后就算压力再大,困难再多,再多想放弃,我都要回来看看这篇日记,体会一下现在感恩的心理.机会人人均等,就看有没抓住.从她本身来说,也是一个传奇,我学习的榜样.
再说,sue啦,我的师傅,开始我觉得她教的没头没脑,讲得很快,又经常参杂着不同的事情说.不过,后来习惯了,他就是这样的人,雷厉风行,不过她是真的很负责任,亲历亲为,我觉得我肯定没她那么勤恳,真的,不过这个职位就是要认认真真脚踏实地,也许真的像他们说的,这个是个很好的challenge,让我好好静下来,改正自己不足的地方,完善起来.我要拿起以前的精神,相信只有我不想做的事情,没有我做不好的事情.现在我就很想做好这个工作,不想让帮助我,看重我的人失望.

Fight for the dream

为梦想而奋斗的一周,马上就要开始了.还有3个小时即将踏上赴LA的行程.知道父母对此给予很大的期望,自己也是.之前太多困难,曲折,应该就是为了这次机会,梦想的舞台在我面前,好好珍惜,努力展示.有压力才会尽全力.承载着梦想的道路是艰难的,不仅是个人的,还有家庭的,不过正因为这一切,才会让人体会成功后的喜悦.我知道,没有退路,只能成功!!!

fight back, strongly!

总是在等待,等待一个爆发点.让我可以看到黎明破晓,强烈反击,争取自己要的东西.
只有在谷底的人才知道,山上即使荆棘再多,还是风光无限.
只有经历过的人才知道,哪种生活是你想要的.
争取,改变,珍惜.不断经历,不断学习,不断长大.
成功不是努力就行,还要靠几分运气.当运气来临的时候,还有不努力的理由吗?!

明天要去洛杉矶了,实干的1周,坚定,努力,不放弃! Wish me good luck!!!

bright again...

weather forecast: storm-raining-cloudy- what's next?! Hopefully it's gonna be "sunny"!!!
Yes, Dad said that! And it's true, I have been waiting for the day sooooo long, don't know when it's going to be my breaking point (guess soon), but I do need a slight brightness. And here it comes, finally... Yesterday around 7pm, I got the phone from Jean, surprising the reason she contacted me is because i'm hangzhouness :) so does she! She said she would definitely leave my resume behind if she doesn't see I'm from Hangzhou. What a coincidence! Apparently, she likes me after we did 30mins talking on the phone. After introducing me the job responsibility, and talked about relocate plan, she decided to arrange one week training for me. That's from next Monday to Friday!!! Wow, it really comes to fast, that I wasn't really prepared for. But anyway, I got the flight & hotel confirmation , and here I will come, LA!!!
Finally, see a little hope... fight back, strongly!!!

screw you

OMG, just finished interview with simba, feel terrible. I arrived 4 hours earlier, when it comes to the time of interview, the internet connection went off, pissed me off, make me more nerves . Ok, finally after 15 mins adjustment, we get connected. Interview started, everything goes on very well, till the end of the questions, how much is the revenue of the previous company, how many PO per week, I made huge mistake, outrageous number. Feel horrible... Anyway, they said I have to do a online assessment, and follow up later. But I know, I might not hear them anymore... puuuuf, screw again, feel down to the bottom.
Gonna wait for the video talk with Bob on Sunday, if no, travel around, buy an apple and go home!

一小时后,受到了邮件,让我做性向测试,立马做完回传.不知道几率有多大,我自己感觉50%吧,从之前的30%上升了一点.剩下能做的事就是等,等啊等^^我也努力了,实在差点运气也大概就是上天给我的指示吧,该回去了.不管怎样,希望早点得到回应,不管结局如何,我也尽力了.

我又想家了^^

这几天身体不好,拉肚子加例假,20几度的天气却浑身发抖,本来就想家,一病更是雪上加霜.家里再小都是温暖舒适,这里物质条件再好都是身在异乡为异客.下午昏昏沉沉睡过去,醒来分不清白天黑夜,太多太多的日子只能用睡眠来麻木自己,只有在梦里才能忘却痛苦,回到家里.好想奋斗的我却找不到用武之地,大好的青春浪费在这里.寂寞,孤单,无助,什么都尝试了.忽然想到明天还要去macys上班,唉,感慨吧,廉价的劳动力何时能停止?!!

Dark in front

Everyday, wake up in anxierty, without help with hope. Everyday, doing the things I don't want to do, working for the postion I don't like. If life could go back, I would probably not come out. For everything I handled by myself outside, it's just too much. I think it's going to reach my limit soon, don't know when, in 2 weeks, in one month. Don't want to live like this anymore, life has been too hard on me. Just by muself.... Don't know what I'm going to get in future, wherever destiny drives me to, anyway, please take me away from this situation ASAP. Life only with myself, I can't tell where is heaven where is hell!!!

一花一世界

一岁一枯荣^^人各有命.尽力,但不要太勉强.如果这就是尽头,我也不会后悔,毕竟曾经努力过.

Back to Miami

OGM, it's really miserable since i came back from China, the moment I landed in Miami (Feb 7th 1:20am local time), I hate it. The humidity , the jet lag, the failure of 2 phone interviews. I feel like someone else when I'm doing everything. Guess I didn't really get use to the life here, or I really love living hangzhou, the best city for life. Pretty city, nice restaurants, my family and friends, all these I missed, all these I can't give up. i would give myself 2 months to look for better opportunities in the States, otherwise I would just go back to where I love. Though I don't know if I can hang on till second month. I don't have appetite these 3 days, feel like vomitting when I see food, guess it's because of the pressure. Although my parents told me, no worries about going back, still, I know they would like i stay here with a decent job and family. I don't know what to do except for working hard to find a job. That's my only way to stay here longer, even one year more, I would be happy. But if not, I would be happier to go back to my parents, it has been so long for me to handle too much by myself, I'm really really tired, exhausted.

I'm coming home

I'm coming home, tell the world I'm coming home. Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday. I know my kingdom awaits and they have forgiven my mistakes.
很切合时机的歌，我要回家了。离家太久了，过去的一年半经历了太多的波折，变故，伤感，困难，都只能一个人承担。好累好累，想回家好久了，当这天终于到来的时候，心情是那么复杂……
最大的遗憾是爷爷的离世，任何问题都可以解决，唯有人死不能复生，时过境迁，我还是不能原谅自己。
最大的欣慰是终于完成学业，拿到硕士学位，不枉费千里迢迢来吃了那么多苦。
失算当时没选择在学校工作，在老板的怂恿下留在公司，其中滋味真是冷暖自知。结论，瘦死的骆驼比马大！女的还是找个安定的工作好，别心比天高。不过，回过头想想，其实，学校的工作并不是我想要，我还年轻，为什么不给自己失败的机会？
终于要回去了，无法抑制激动的心情，一切尽在不言中。
在moll一直不知道什么时候才是真正的尽头，如果这次是最后一次，希望能好聚好散。

Las vegas

Just finished 5 days business trip to Vegas, impressive and indulging. I definitely fall in love with this magic city. First impression of the city is like a metropolitan, because it's day time, with high skyscrapers, it's like downtown Shanghai, but with more odd constructions, the ones in Egypt, in New York, in Paris... and the superman in the street :) crazy people, crazy constructions in crazy city!
When it comes to the night, Vegas changed it's face fast and perfect. She looks like a charming Geisha (actually, I don't know the exact word to describe her, but anyway, pretty and seducing). Neon and music is on, and of course the gamblers show start. Casino is everywhere in this sin city, from the moment we landed in the airport, to hotels, to restaurants, everywhere keeps you busy. People from different countries speaking different languages meet in the gambling table, they don't need too much speaking communication, but something is same and can be shared in Casino--- the happiness and sorrow... They have one thing in common: spent money and time to buy a moment excitement.
Besides gambling, night life is gorgeous in Vegas. Because I'm traveling with boss, and he has customers visiting him, we ended visiting clubs every night.If I have to name a high light of this trip, Diego is definitely the one I can't miss. First time see him in the in day time, 7th Jan. Like everyone working in the convention center, I'm keeping very professional in appearance and mind. He came to the booth with D, nice dress style, light blue grid shirt with black leather down jacket, in blue jeans and black Y3 leisure sport shoes. according to my judgment, he would be around 180cm, sweet smile. He didn't spent too much time in our booth, leaving for the show. He came back in the afternoon with some Argentinian friends, after a short stay, leaving with them. The first impression would be 80. After, we had lunch with Jorge, and enjoying show in Bellagio, he came back again. Changed his outfit, black tight shirt, black jeans, black leather jacket. This time, maybe because of the wine, he began hitting on me. Didn't know he would take a pic for me, I began to look at him closely. Not impressive handsome, but with very nice smile, even he doesn't speak too much English, I feel that he is a funny person. We had a blast in the lobby of the hotel, the unexpected attack and the blurring photo (it's a pity, there is a third guy). Then I drove to TAO club in Venetian. (Before we start the fun, forgive us Buddha, first time to see people put you in that place...) Anyway, I just follow... I like to be close to him, close to his nice and leaning-forward body. How I wish he is a great dancer like Oscar, who can take me to the center pool, but there are too many guys there, I don't want make people think I'm interested in him, while I think they kind of know. I only want to be standing next to him and take pic with him... Next day, I spent whole day to think of him, and at night, met him again, he is in black T shirt, blue jean, stylish hat, black leather jacket as last night. But when I found the ring in his hand, I almost fainted... People say I'm quiet that night, I said because Champagne can't keep me up, while the truth is I feel kind of disappointed... He talks, he laughs, he takes pic, he is sooooooo charming, but taken :( He could be very obedient like a nice boy, but underneath, he is a bad boy. Still intoxicated for him:) The best taste in Vegas!
Ok, last thing, the reason we are in Vegas, for consumer electronic show, also people say, it's Chinese exportation show. That's true, I think almost 40% of the exhibitors are Chinese or Taiwanese. If you take the big head away, maybe 80% of medium and small companies are Asian. Feel proud for the country, also feel losing competitiveness in the American job market. Only when I'm unique, I have extra value. Anyway, with more and more Chinese companies moving the scope to globe wide, being a returnee would be an option, but I will miss Diego G :)
love the perfect combination life style in Vegas, work hard during the day, playing harder at night. The the outcome is exhausted in the following days!
Vegas top 5:
Casino, restaurant, club, constructions, life style.