Stuck in between

I really feel I screwed this time, for the money, energy and time I spent on this really sucks. I don't why, I hate u the moment I feel lonely, u are not supposed to give me happiness, though I really need it. Never think about hating someone for the rest of my life, but now I decided to do that, for you, the person I loved most during the past 18 month. I don't think I can do that, since I'm a sweet girl, still I would have a try, Hate you everyday!!1 It's so hard for being alone and flighting. I need some help, need some one's help. Never being passive like this in my whole life (as far as I can remember), maybe too many lucky things, I get whatever I want, whoever I need, never being down to the bottom like this. I hate the life now, I hate myself now. I don't know wheather I can get back to the "shining soul" again, but I do miss that girl! Please let her back, let everybody sees her smile, big big smile melts everyone.......